about 36 hours ago ive tried to commit for what feels like third time although not once have i been hospitalized. for all this time ive kept it all to myself but i dont think i can do that anymore. i have NO. IDEA. why am i even writng this or to whom but i need someone to finally listen so i know im not so alone. I dont think im depressed per se, and if i am then highly functionally bc i dont think ive been normal for a while, like years, and somehow im still (barely) alive. And alive IS a huge word bc if you met me, then you most likely would use it to describe me. Hi, my name is A, im 20 yo college student and I think im running out of time to get help. you can also find me here although absolutely nothing happens there
09.04.26 13;57 ive spent all day yesterday in bed but today i have classes so i can nomore pretend theres no world behind my door. i have two tests tommorrow, for each i didnt prepare and i still cannot bring myself to care. my brain already decided biochemistry is unimportant for someone soon-to-be-expired. And listen that wouldnt be a problem, at least im not very stressed, if it hadnt been for a fact that i AM ALIVE STILL and oh noo if it isnt consequences of my actions. But as pathethic and small in the worlds perspective as it is i have no energy, ive barely got up today and idont think i can do this anymore. I need to get a grip soon or ill be left behind and theres nothing worse i could be than useless. overall i feel pretty awful, im tired, shaken up from not eating much yesterday my lips ar chapped and i cant focus even more today than usual and if i had to say how i feel inside i dont think i even could. im drained, but not numb enough not to be scared for my future that im actively letting go to shit and its scary. yesterday at night i got off that bridge not because i found a reason to fight but because i was scared and itll haunt me at night for a while. partially bc im afraid i wont walk away next time and do something that cant be undone or fixed and partially bc im not so sure i would want to